Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Thursday
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.