They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
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Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.