Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
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me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
What even happened today?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.