I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
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Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.