Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud