Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”