Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Banana is the quietest snack
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same