@slyoung5

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

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@thestlouisan

All I’m saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

@MyNameIsArchaic

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

@Alex_N_Chains

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

@Just_A_Guy72

NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.

I call bullshit.

After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed

@oxygenplug

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

@kumailn

He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.

@thevaginadiary

I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.

@StellaRtwot

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

@LeahBonnema

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.