Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
This guy gets it.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.