Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not