Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Heard a 28yr old describe herself as old.
Need help disposing of a body.
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?
Big Bruiser: copy
Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?
Killdozer: all ears
Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?
Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I put the ‘c**k’ in ‘puts c**k in anything’.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever