@ItsNateDavis

Heard a 28yr old describe herself as old.

Need help disposing of a body.

You Might Also Like

@shutupmikeginn

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

@fro_vo

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

@sonictyrant

Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?

Big Bruiser: copy

Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?

Killdozer: all ears

Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?

Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names

@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

@OllyiConic

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

@my_minivan_life

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

@chuuew

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct