Heard a 28yr old describe herself as old.

Need help disposing of a body.

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What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?


sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.


I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.


When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already


Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*


I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.


My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.