What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
Heard a 28yr old describe herself as old.
Need help disposing of a body.
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sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.