Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You Might Also Like
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??