Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
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Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.