@alexlumaga

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

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@Be___Dope

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

@One_FineMess

Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.

@Nickadoo

My urologist is weird.

I peed in a cup.
He drank it and said, “You’re fine.”
Then he paid me.

Don’t choose a doctor from Craigslist.

@TedOfficialPage

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

@Swishergirl24

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

@ShortSleeveSuit

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

@Elizasoul80

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

@pauleggleston

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.