Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.


10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock


Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.


Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.


[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow


me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one


I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.