Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation