[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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Her: hear that?
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My urologist is weird.
I peed in a cup.
He drank it and said, “You’re fine.”
Then he paid me.
Don’t choose a doctor from Craigslist.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Judge: how do you plead?
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.