Heard in Toy Story 5 the toys meet Andy’s Mom’s new toy.
Suddenly the song You’ve Got A Friend In Me has a whole new meaning…

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I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.



ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here


Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?


Me: *sips flask*


Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?


never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them


I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks


Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.


When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”


My waterslide technique has been described as ‘oafish’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘how did you get into the penguin enclosure’.