@pittdave13

Heard in Toy Story 5 the toys meet Andy’s Mom’s new toy.
Suddenly the song You’ve Got A Friend In Me has a whole new meaning…

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@DrawingShadows

I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

@sofarrsogud

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

@UnFitz

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

@AK_Holica

Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?

@KeetPotato

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

@UghNotAgain

Husbands.
Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.

@randomlawless

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

@bea_ker

My waterslide technique has been described as ‘oafish’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘how did you get into the penguin enclosure’.