Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
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Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”