Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

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BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old


What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner


Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next


My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.


*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*


think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem