Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..