Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
me: one coffee please
barista: one coffee, got it. and how do you take it?
me: *suddenly nervous in the face of such a simple question * w-with my hands
God: you hate the moon.
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs
Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer
Girls are like puppies.
If you don’t take them out enough, they’ll poop on your rug.
SERIOUSLY ASHLEY ON MY RUG??
Me: Lord, I saw one set of footprints in the sand
Jesus: That was when I carried you my child
Me: No, I mean now. Look – kind of like giant… clawprints?
Jesus: Oh shit he’s back
Me: lol w-
Jesus: [already sprinting away] SAVE YOURSELVES
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea