@NurseSeymour

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

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@SaraESpivey

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

@Dutch_50

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

@captainkalvis

me: one coffee please
barista: one coffee, got it. and how do you take it?
me: *suddenly nervous in the face of such a simple question * w-with my hands

@NewDadNotes

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

@MrsJekyllsHyde

Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer

@Easy_Tiger__

Girls are like puppies.

If you don’t take them out enough, they’ll poop on your rug.

SERIOUSLY ASHLEY ON MY RUG??

@CaptPinkbeard

Me: Lord, I saw one set of footprints in the sand

Jesus: That was when I carried you my child

Me: No, I mean now. Look – kind of like giant… clawprints?

Jesus: Oh shit he’s back

Me: lol w-

Jesus: [already sprinting away] SAVE YOURSELVES

@nikkithecanuck

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver

@abbycohenwl

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea