Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
You Might Also Like
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
wtf is a larm clock?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement