Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
You Might Also Like
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.