Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
never ask a starfish for directions
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table