Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”


In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.


I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.


If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.


I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.


I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.


The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever


If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.