@DzNutz83

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

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@BunAndLeggings

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

@lloydrang

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

@TequilaTears

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

@Marlebean

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

@bourgeoisalien

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

@_stylr

20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.

@WilliamAder

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

@iscoff

It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane