@JediGigi
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
@DzNutz83
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
You Might Also Like
@JediGigi
@Kid_topher
In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.
@_SetTheHook_
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
@LostFelicia
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
@vivalacrap
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
@AimeeHelene1
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
@Mothpete
I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.
@Julian_Epp
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
@isabelzawtun
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
@HatfieldAnne
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.