Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

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My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.


This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.


Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.


How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?


There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.



Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.


20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.


It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.


It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane