Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
This is enough internet for the day.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!