heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I’m literally crying
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.