Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets