Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
This is a whole mood;
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.