Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”