I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I am beautiful
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect