@AbbieEvansXO

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

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@mrjohndarby

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

@Matt_The_1st

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

@DrakeGatsby

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

@david8hughes

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

@ProdigyNelson

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

@nettie0918

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

@AdamBroud

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect