[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.