@Thrill_Tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

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@KateWhineHall

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

@newLettuce

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

@KeetPotato

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

@RandiLawson

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

@hippieswordfish

I condemn the archaic Mother’s Day tradition of having every mother in the world fight each other to determine who is the greatest

@tsm560

I’m not gonna apologize for being me. I tried that once and no one would accept it

@AngryRaccoon2

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

@DevilryFun

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

@Dis0beyJay

*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA

@shkeeber

If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?