Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I don’t think my car can fly
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?