*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
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Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.