Children of the corn 🌽
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Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Writing, She Murdered.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*