A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
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Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol