[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

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The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.


I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?


Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets


Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.


Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.


Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?


I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)


When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.


God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!


*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”