@Ygrene

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

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@moooooog35

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

@GaryJanetti

I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?

@david8hughes

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

@Iwriteforcats

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

@GoldenSpirals

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

@david8hughes

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

@dadpickupline

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

@flyafuckingkite

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

@BuckyIsotope

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD