Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
when u come home smelling like another dog
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me