Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.


what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy


Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.


Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”


*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*


90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.


Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.