I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
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*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen*
*watches live version of Hunger Games*
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
“Got a dog.”
Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?
“Had a baby.”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Condoms prevent minivans.
Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.
Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.