[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
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not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button