Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
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Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
new workout: I put my phone on the other side of the house so I have to walk to check Twitter. I’ve gotten 56,000 steps today
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?