@Michael_Erhart

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

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@pattymo

Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

@DropsNoPanties

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

@AshleyFrankly

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

@Kyle_Lippert

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

@L8yK8y

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

@AdamOfEarth

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

@English_Channel

new workout: I put my phone on the other side of the house so I have to walk to check Twitter. I’ve gotten 56,000 steps today