*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
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God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?