ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
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Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!