kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Battery falling down a hole
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.