*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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Children of the corn 🌽
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?