[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
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If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
tinder is all about the long game
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”