*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Need this in my life lol
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂