@IamEveryDayPpl

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

- @IamEveryDayPpl

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@GrantTanaka

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

@bornmiserable

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

@michaelianblack

Common courtesy: don’t bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.

@QueefSandwich

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

@Parkerlawyer

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

@cwilso

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

@LibyaLiberty

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

@djdarrellripley

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

@FatherWithTwins

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

@AimeeHelene1

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.