*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
You Might Also Like
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Time heals everything 🙂
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Fight