*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

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“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”


Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.


My 5 year old just ended a phone call with “I gotta jump, Daddy. I’m out.”

And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.


-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…


*stands up and screams*

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*


People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.


[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go



Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.


[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*