@Lisabug74

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

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@spicy_peen

What medications do I take?

I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long

@IvoryGazelle

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

@ThisOneSayz

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

@GrowlyGrego

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

@ThatBrenna

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

@TheAlexP

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

@_SetTheHook_

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

@mrjohndarby

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

@PaperWash

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

@Writepop

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.