*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
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Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no