@Lisabug74
@protolalia
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
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@protolalia
@peteholmes
Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.
@thestlouisan
My 5 year old just ended a phone call with “I gotta jump, Daddy. I’m out.”
And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.
@samalmightysam
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
@mexinonblonde
*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*
@ConanOBrien
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
@FunnyMojoJojo
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
@BlindChow
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
@TheNextMartha
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
@mjkspeaks
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*