We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Waiting for the Charmin
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.