[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.