[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
sigh
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
stop
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.