[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I would like even faster food.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope