*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
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OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard