*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.