*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach