*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids