*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening